How to provoke a shark attack
A shark attack is usually evidenced by a shark bite of some kind and can happen in as little as two feet of water! But the attack is much better for a newspaper headline to entice people to read the rest of the story.
If it was a dog, unless it was a pack of dogs, the story would be about “dog bites a person, child, or other dog,” unless of course it was a pit bull. It’s all a matter of perception.
It’s pretty hard to get a shark to bite you anyway, but here are some tips to help increase your chances. First is to go swimming early in the morning, at dusk or at night, which is when many sharks feed and increase the chances even more, and then splash a lot to attract the attention of the shark.
Second, if you’re a spear fisherman, make sure you throw a lot of fish and then drag the dead fish behind you, which is like ringing a bell for the sharks in the area. If the fish you threw bleeds a lot, so much the better.
Third, ignore any signs warning of shark sightings in the area because it’s probably a ploy to keep swimmers out of the water. What are your chances of being bitten even if a shark has been seen recently? In fact, your chances of being struck by lightning are greater than a shark attack. The people putting up the signs are probably just scary fanatics!
Fourth, if you see birds diving into the water because small fish are jumping to the surface of the water, definitely swim into the action and see what is causing it. Of course, it could be a really big fish like a shark chasing the little fish! But if you have a camera imagine what kind of photos you can get especially if the shark attacks you.
Fifth, go skin diving or scuba diving and if you see a small shark, be sure to grab its tail or dorsal fin. This will help you be very gentle with the shark because the shark will understand that you are just playing with it and will not do any harm. So when the shark turns and bites you, please don’t take it personally.
Sixth, when you are in the water and see a shark of substantial size, make sure you try to get as close to it as possible. In fact, invade your personal space as soon as possible to get a great photo or a moment of life experience. If the shark starts arching its back and moving its side fins erratically, don’t worry because the shark is just trying to show you affection. In fact, a great idea is to try petting him while he arches his back and turns his body from side to side to show your own signs of affection towards this beautiful creature.
Seventh, make sure you swim alone and also get out as far as possible. This way, the shark has no problem picking you because you will be the only moving object that may or may not be perceived as the meal of the day. And again, please splash a lot when you’re as far away as you can, so it’s easier for the sharks to hear you. Please make sure you do it on a deserted beach so someone else doesn’t have to risk their life saving you from your own stupidity!
Eighth, since you have all that glitter, make sure you wear it when you get in the ocean. Whether it’s a fancy watch, a gold chain or a ring, don’t forget to keep it on so you can look good underwater or while swimming. In fact, the fish will be very impressed with all your jewelry, especially barracudas and sharks, not to mention moray eels. It will be easier for predators to use their vision to target you instead of having to use the others they have. The brighter the better!
Ninth, if you’re bleeding, definitely go swimming, diving or surfing and make sure the salt water gets the blood flowing. Just because the shark can spot your blood half a mile away doesn’t mean you should worry. In fact, if you wear a lot of shiny jewelry, swim alone at dusk in an area known for shark attacks, you will definitely maximize your chances of encountering a shark or many sharks.
These are just a couple of methods of provoking a shark that may or may not result in a bite that can cause serious injury or death. Feel free to add any other actions a human might take to entice a shark to attack.
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