When we fight, my husband acts like a child – what can I do?
Sometimes I hear people wishing their spouse would grow up when it comes to conflict within their marriage. Often, one spouse is very willing to sit down and work out their problems like an adult while the other seems not to be.
I heard from a woman who said, “My husband and I handle our fights very differently. I never want to go to bed angry. I hate conflict. I immediately want to sit down and work through whatever it’s happening. I hate to know that there is tension between us, but he doesn’t seem to care if we drift further and further apart. When my husband and I were dating, he used to hate going to his house because his parents always fought openly. There was always a lot of door slamming and shouting. It made me very uncomfortable because that’s not how I was brought up. My parents rarely raise their voices. But my husband has no problem to yelling. and losing my cool. And lately when I try to get him to sit down and talk about our problems, he tells me that talking won’t fix everything and gets angry. When I do something he doesn’t like, he withdraws his affection and seems who locks me out to punish me. He pretty much just gets up and this dri drives me crazy. Sometimes it’s g almost like watching a little kid throwing a tantrum. I want it to grow. I want him to sit down and talk to me like a mature adult. This is our marriage and the rest of our lives we’re talking about. But my husband won’t see this. Instead, he seems perfectly happy to continue communicating in this childish way. What can I do?”
I felt that this woman was right to be very concerned about this issue. Many experts say that the way a couple fights and handles conflict is a very good indicator of whether the same couple will end up divorcing. Couples who stay married and stay closely connected are couples who have learned to argue constructively. It’s okay to fight. In fact, it is important to clear the air from time to time. But it’s also vital that the fight doesn’t get personal. It’s okay to attack the problem. It’s not okay to attack your spouse. It’s not okay to make it personal. You can hate the habit or the behavior, but you can’t imply that you hate your spouse, at least if you want your marriage to be healthy.
And it is very hurtful and hurtful when one spouse withholds affection or tries to punish the other during or after a disagreement. Because things only tend to escalate and deteriorate from here. So I agreed that it was vital for this couple to learn how to solve their problems in a constructive way. The wife was more than willing to do so, so now it was time for the husband to come on board.
Make your husband understand the need to fight fair: The wife had been trying to shame or guilt her husband into changing the way he related to her in the conflict. In short, they had developed a kind of parent-child relationship. She would take the high road and insinuate that she was being immature and childish. And while all of these things may have been somewhat accurate, drawing his attention to it probably won’t inspire him to change. Instead, it will only make him angrier and more motivated to escalate his behavior.
I think the best way to start is to have a calm, thoughtful discussion when things start to escalate. The next time the husband reverts to this destructive way of dealing with conflict, the wife might say something like, “I have to stop you, love. Because this is starting to go to a destructive place and I don’t want that. keeps happening to us. The main purpose of talking about this is to get over it and stop the conflict. But right now we’re arguing about something that’s not even part of the original problem. This is just to make things work. I know that’s how you’re used to dealing with conflict, but it hurts a lot and I don’t feel like it’s doing us any good. Why don’t we regroup and talk about the real issues at hand. I’ll go first.”
Then tell your side of events as constructively as possible. When you’re done, stop and ask him to explain his side of things. If it starts drifting into its old patterns, stop it again and redirect it.
Drawing their attention to this is the key. Since the husband grew up in a tumultuous home, he really didn’t know any other way. That’s why it’s important to be patient and try to redirect it gently. You don’t want to tell him he’s being childish or immature. Instead, you just want to show him how to do it better. And when he does, he promises to provide all kinds of positive reinforcement. Because the whole idea is to make him want to do better and give him the tools to do it.
This may mean that you sometimes have to lead by example and this may seem unfair at times. It may seem like you’re the one taking all the initiative. But as you continue, you should develop a new way of communicating that is vital to saving your marriage. Because if these two continued to fight in the destructive way that had become a habit, the future of their marriage may be in question. And I doubted that was what either of them wanted.
#fight #husband #acts #child
